Do the next right thing

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Have you forgiven or forgotten it?

willie nelson

You had a disagreement with another person and in your mind you forgave. You were able to forgive them because you ended your relationship with them. But did you really forgive them or did you just forget them?

The answer to that question will be revealed next time you unexpectedly run into them in a location you weren’t prepared for, such as your local grocery store. If your heart jumps and your stomach feels anxious, then the injury of the conflict hasn’t subsided and, frankly, you focused on the forgetting but not the forgiving.

So what do you do when you come across that person?

Here are some options, not all of them recommended.

1. Turn around and pretend you didn’t see them.

2. Take your shopping cart and bang into the back of their legs pretending you didn’t see them.

3. Walk by them as if they were invisible and pretend you didn’t see them, or

4. See them.

As uncomfortable as it could be, facing a person who injured you is a response coming from a stance of self-empowerment. Avoiding them or lashing out at them will reinforce for you that you were on the losing end of the conflict. Instead, take a deep breath, open your eyes, and see the person in front of you. What you discover might surprise you about them and yourself.

Now, for the awkward moment. Does seeing them include speaking? Maybe. But on your terms and not theirs. You can say hello, or nod your head and give a small smile (but not the smirk smile) and keep walking. If they initiate a conversation, such as, “how are you?” say, “I’m great!”  (You are great, so be honest about it!)

So. the moment has passed and you SAW them, what do you do next to FORGIVE them?

Here are some steps that may help you with the process of forgiveness.
buddha forgiveness prayer
1. Write the person a letter stating exactly what they did that hurt you.

Journaling is a therapeutic process which can help you “read your own mind.” Journaling does not have to be limited to words. Incorporating art or other visual modes are just as effective in processing your feelings. (Do not send that person the letter, but it might help to read it to another supportive person who can keep a confidence.)

2. Pray and meditate on the concept of forgiveness.

Sometimes, we can’t pray for that person, but we can start the process by quieting the thoughts that racket around like they are on a handball court by focusing on the theme of forgiveness.

3. When you are ready to move to the next stage, pray for good things for yourself and that person. Some people will leave out the part about praying for good things for themselves, but you deserve good things, too.

This action is empowering because it gives you control. When you start, you don’t have to be sincere (and you probably won’t be sincere), but over time you may find yourself hoping each of you receive the gift of a great life. After all, hurting people hurt others.

4. Understand, the role of forgiveness isn’t to change that person as change may never happen, but it is there to heal you and give you a better quality of life.

Even if the other person tried to steal your quality life in a long ago incident, they don’t have to keep stealing it.

© 2018 Brenda Henning

 

 

 

 

 

 

New thoughts, right actions about marriage

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This weekend marks my 21st wedding anniversary. Marriage has consumed my life for two decades. Everyone’s marriage is unique to them, so no one can tell you how to be married. It’s uncharted territory for the both of you. You can learn general guidelines from books, therapists, or church classes in how to:

  • Fight fair
  • Have more and better sex
  • Be better parents (if you have kids) and
  • Plan for retirement.

But the details of those general suggestions will be worked out by you and your spouse. Sometimes it will be done in an adult, mature way and sometimes the neighbors will wonder if World War III broke out. Don’t worry, though, the neighbors have probably had World War III, themselves.

Ann Landers would pose the question “are you better off with them or without them” to someone who was trying to decide on a divorce. I’ve Googled once or twice about how to get a divorce, but thankfully, the moment passed and I was able to answer I’m better  with him. I hope my husband thinks he’s better with me, too.

mike and meDespite (maybe it’s because) of our rough patches, I admire and love my husband more than anyone else in the world. That is not an overstatement. Arriving at this global admiration has required me to be open to the experiences that developed the character my husband has. It’s easy to admire an inspirational person when you read about their story. It’s much different when you live that inspirational story with him. After all, the path to an inspirational story is traveled by overcoming challenges and obstacles placed on your journey.

Of course, we have overcome mutual obstacles and doing so is easier when you have a teammate. Yet, I am talking about the personal achievements of my husband. Perhaps, I’ve been his helpmate through it, but he is the one who tackled the work and earned the accomplishment. Most people use financial success as a standard for achievement. We have abundant resources, yet that’s at the bottom of my list for my admiration. What I admire him the most for is his diligent attention to personal self-improvement in how he cares for himself, interacts with others, and provides service to those around him.

I married M. because of the value he placed on being a father. Our sons have had health challenges that have required an investment in time, money, and nurture for them to overcome. My husband has been there each step of the way. I’ve talked to many single moms in similar circumstances and their common theme for why they are single tackling similar issues is because their men “didn’t want to deal with it.” M. deals with things.

When my husband graduated high school he went right to work. He learned a trade in the oil and gas industry. He literally has gone from wearing an FRC shirt with his name embroidered above the pocket to a high-rise office building with his initials monogrammed on his shirt cuffs. He has gone from turning wrenches in the dusty oilfield desert in New Mexico to turning in his swivel chair to look out over the swanky Galleria in Houston. Sometimes M., will say it feels like a dream to him he has been able to progress the way he has in his career, considering the modest background in which he was raised.  My husband is a good example that it’s not necessary to have a college education and the debt that goes with it to do well in your career.

My husband has a mind for business and he also has a heart for service. Daily, my husband is on the phone with people to check on them and offer his experience, strength and hope. If you’re one of my husband’s neighbors, thank your good fortune because if you have a broken faucet or fence latch, my husband will be there to fix it for you. If you’re the stranger on the road with a stalled car and my husband passes by, he will either jumpstart your battery, change your tire, or drive you to someone who can help you.

Twenty-one years is a long time to know someone and I’m grateful that both of us have been willing to stick it out.  One day at a time, I know we can make it another 21 years.

“Grow old with me, the best is yet to be.” Robert Browning, Jr.

© 2018 Brenda Henning

 

 

Do you need a lifeline?

Affiliate disclosure: Some of the links below are affiliate links, meaning at no cost to you, I will earn a commission if you click through and make a purchase of a product or service.

Every so often it’s good to take a step back and take a different view of your life. A big picture point of view can give you some perspective that living it up close and personal every day won’t allow. A wide-angle, panoramic view can be especially helpful when you are experiencing a challenging time.

37061793_10155408670426968_2408675066129678336_nOne way to see your life in a different way is to create a lifeline or life map. New author Jen Alward recommends a lifeline as an activity in her new release Hope and Healing at Home: Build Bridges with your kids and empower them for life with Art & Christian Therapy.Click here to visit Jen Alward.

Locating where you are and gaining insight into how you got there can give you direction in where to go next. Families have challenges today that were unimaginable 20-30 years ago. Drug epidemics, increased school violence and other societal trends are placing new levels of stress on parents and their children.

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A lifeline will help you see where you’ve been and where you could go.

You can be as detailed as you want in your lifeline, family map. I set mine up for 10-year decades, but you divide it into five-year increments if you prefer. It can be helpful to include other family members on one sheet of paper to see where the trajectory of their lives may be headed and to help you set family as well as individual goals.

A perspective you may gain by completing a lifeline or family map is noticing how many challenges you have already successfully overcome. This can be reassuring that you will be able to meet whatever challenge you currently find yourself coping with. Seeing the pivotal periods in your life on paper can be a reality check into how you are spending your precious commodity of time.

So, where are you going with your one “wild and precious life?”

direction

© 2018 Brenda Henning

Save $300 without even thinking about it

Affiliate disclosure: Some of the links below are affiliate links, meaning at no cost to you, I will earn a commission if you click through and make a purchase of a product or service.

Do you find it challenging to set aside money for an emergency fund or to pay for luxuries such as vacations, new furniture or other items that you know you really shouldn’t put on your credit card?

If your employer offers a retirement savings plan, maybe you put aside money in there as an automatic deduction. You don’t even miss it and to encourage you to go to work one more day, you check it to see how wealthy you’re going to be 30 years from now.

Save your pennies
Take your loose change at the end of the day and place it in an “in-home” savings account.

Using the same principle, you can set up a savings habit and before long have a stash of cash which you can access anytime you need it. A simple, at-home, savings account can be taking your loose change from your pockets and billfold and placing it in a piggy bank. Within a couple of months, you may have added up $60 or more.

Another secure way to add up a savings or emergency fund is to take advantage of round-up programs. Those work by your buying things and the program automatically rounds up your purchase. For example, if you buy $8.75 in gasoline at the 7-11, a round-up program, such as Acorns, will charge $9. The gas merchant will get their $8.75 and the quarter will go into a savings account. Within a few weeks or couple of months, you realistically could save over $300.

Since it launched in 2014, Acorns has added beneficial features for participants, such as debit cards and partnerships with other merchants who will contribute to your account if you buy their products. The best added feature, though, is Acorns is sensitive to your accounts. So, if your funds get low in your checking, Acorns will automatically pause withdrawals until you get your next paycheck. That is a huge benefit, so you don’t have to worry about pausing the program yourself and risk overdraft fees from your bank.

Your bank may offer this round up program, too, and if you can resist frequent transfers of money from the savings back into checking, then this may be more convenient for you.

If your employer has the technological sophistication, you can ask your human resources department to split your paycheck into two separate accounts of your choosing. Some people have a bank or credit union account only for monthly expenses that are on automatic payment. This can be helpful if you need to have strict boundaries around your spending.

Should you need help tracking your money, Mint is a free program for the consumer which can help you monitor your credit score and give you updates on the latest interest rates. How it’s free for the consumer is that the Intuit-owned program makes its money through referral fees to companies they promote.

Unexpected events happen all the time. When my mother went into a nursing home,  I was able to make more frequent trips to visit her because of saving money through Acorns, rather than charging it to my credit card.  Maybe you will have some unexpected necessary trips or have a desire to take a vacation. Wouldn’t it be nice to do that and have it paid free and clear all by saving money without even thinking about it?

© 2018 Brenda Henning

 

How to get what you envy in others

 

pele

Affiliate disclosure: I sometimes link to other websites that sell products. I currently do not have any affiliate relationships with websites to which I link. What that means is if you go to a website that I’ve linked to and you buy something from them, they will get all of your money and I won’t get a commission. I linked to them because I bought something from them and I liked it.  This disclosure will be updated as required.

A motivational speaker held up a $20 bill and asked the audience “who wants this money?” She asked the audience with increasing volume of prompting: “who really wants this money?” I really wanted the money.

So, what did I do?

I sat there. I just sat there.

Instead, someone else ran up and took the money.

I was envious of both the motivational speaker AND the person who had the chutzpah to run up to the front to grab the bill.  I’ve been green with envy many times. I’ve come to learn, though, that envy is just another word for nothing left to lose, to paraphrase Janis Joplin.

Staying stuck in envy is a wheel-spinning activity. A close cousin to worry, envy keeps you fixated on what’s right in front of you without any effort from you to take what you desire.

That activity was pivotal for me. Well, that’s why I went to see her, after all, was to get motivated.

Her point was that no one is going to hand you anything, but if you want something you are going to have to get out of your seat and get it yourself.

I’ve been getting out of my seat and working for want I want since then.

Who do you envy? Your answers will help you define your goals. You can go here, if you want to learn more about achieving goals.

But what if you’re on the other side of the envy and receiving a lot of hate?

Achieving your personal ambitions puts you at risk of leaving other people behind. Some people can’t seem to get over that hump and they never live the full life they dream about. Other people achieve greatness and forget about the shoulders they stood on which gave them a step up.

I can understand that latter category. People who do nothing but envy can put out a lot of negative energy. I did at one time. But there are some mindsets you can develop to buffer yourself from others envy.

In Maranda Pleasant’s Mantra Wellness (spring 2018 issue) is a short how-to guide to “learn to roll with the punches.” Here’s my version of the article’s suggestions:

  1. Learn to soft belly breathe to calm yourself from other’s negativity and envy.
  2. Others criticisms and feedback might be your best guide in learning what aspects of yourself need healing.
  3. Learn to roll with the punches or toughen your skin. When you put yourself out there, people are going to grumble under their breath, talk behind your back and troll your social media.
  4. Conflict is spiritual. You don’t think the disciples ever bickered? Read up on your spiritual saints and gurus and you will learn a lot about how conflict can develop consciousness.
  5. Speaking your mind can get you hated, especially if you put yourself in front of an audience who doesn’t agree with EVERYTHING you say. Unless you are building an audience of clones of yourself, SOMEONE SOMEWHERE is going to disagree with SOMETHING you say.
  6. Keep yourself grounded by surrounding yourself with those who, too, are getting out of their seat and going for what they want.
  7. If you can’t take all the negativity anymore, then hire a therapist or a confidential confidant with whom you can process how it’s affecting you. As a person with a platform, it’s a misuse of power to use it to get back at people who are filled with envy and don’t have all of what you’ve worked for. Take the high road EVERY SINGLE TIME, PLEASE.
  8. And if you fall off that high road, use it as an opportunity to build, rather than burn, a bridge by humbly making amends.

Now, who REALLY wants that twenty-dollar bill?

© 2018 Brenda Henning

 

 

Rapid ways to make money and get out of debt

Affiliate disclosure: I have linked to other websites which sell products. I currently do not have any affiliate relationships with websites to which I link. What that means is if you go to a website that I’ve linked to and you buy something from them, they will get all of your money and I won’t get a commission. I linked to them because I bought something from them and I liked it and it improved my life.  Disclosures will be updated as required.

My husband and I completed Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace Course two separate times. What can I say, we’re slow learners.

But we’re not alone: the average credit card debt load in U.S. households is nearly $16,000. Thanks to Dave Ramsey and our own commitment to building a wealthy mindset, we are well below the household average to now $0.

We make it our focus to rapidly pay off our credit card debt. The solution we keep refining is preventing it in the first place. The leading trigger for household debt is unplanned medical expenses. More than a 1/4 of American households have difficulty paying for medical care, according to the Kaiser Family Health Foundation.

abba, moneyThe irony of the blogs you read giving you tips on how to make money and make it fast, work under the assumption you are in good health and you have the energy to take on an extra job.

So, if you don’t feel good enough to get a job delivering pizzas as Dave likes to recommend, what are some other ways to rapidly raise cash?

Here are a few ideas:

Sell what you have:

  • Pawn some unused electronics, guns, or jewelry. The risk is you might not get the item back if you can’t get it out of hawk, but it’s better than running up the credit card debt. Pawning your goods is less labor intensive than a garage sale.
  • Sell unused gift cards. The Gift Card Exchange kiosks will trade your card with a $20 minimum balance, for a voucher minus its fees for you to exchange for cash at the retailer where the kiosk is housed.

Borrow your own money:

  • Some retirement plans will allow you to take a loan out on yourself. While the money isn’t in the account making a return for you, you are repaying YOURSELF with interest. Doesn’t that sound better than repaying the bank or the credit card company with interest?
  • Borrow from your own life insurance policies. Some whole life, or permanent life, policies will allow you to borrow a certain amount, which you have your WHOLE life to repay. If you don’t get it repaid, the insurance will still pay out the amount of the policy, minus what you borrowed.
  • Do you have a stash of savings bonds you’ve been saving up for a rainy day? If they have reached their term, then you might consider cashing them in because after 30 years, they no longer earn interest.

Increase your income:

If you’re not feeling well, then you might not be up to getting a part-time job outside of the home. No worries. With technology, you can earn money from your bed if you need to. Some ways to do that could be:

  • Freelance writing or building a blog. If you have a unique health situation, then sharing your story to a niche audience may help them while it’s helping you. You may not earn a lot of cash the first day, but if you keep at it, you will overtime. And, you will learn a new skill which you could market to business owners who are too busy to keep up with their own blogs.
  • If you live in a house with a nice-sized yard, then you can dog sit for people who are traveling. Just be sure to check your city’s ordinances before providing this service.
  • Rent out a spare room. This might be mutually beneficial if you’re not feeling well. Knowing another person is within ear shot could give you peace of mind. Even better is if you have educational centers which offer nursing programs. Nursing students or traveling nurses would LOVE the low-cost living arrangement you could offer in exchange for their checking up on you.

Cut your monthly expenditures:

  • We had our car and home insurance company review our plans. During our requested audit, we learned that the company hadn’t given us all of the discounts for which we were eligible. It was an “oversight” on their part. They retroactively paid us over $300 and we lowered our premiums more than $100 each month.
  • If you need the extra cash, you will muster the discipline to change cell phone plans. It’s nice to have all the bells and whistle on your phone, but they’re not necessary. If you start a side business and can show proof of your business structure, you could qualify for cell phone business plans, which can run about $100 a month with unlimited voice, text, and internet.
  • Consolidate your debt and look for introductory rates for credit cards. But a word of caution, make sure you mark it on your calendar when the introductory rates end, or you could find yourself owing more than when you started.

While spending money seems to occur more rapidly than making money, take heart. You do have options to keep yourself from drowning in debt. New Thought, Right Action is here to help you develop the skills and mindsets you need to achieve your financial goals.

© 2018 Brenda Henning

via Daily Prompt: Rapid