Letting go of the past creates a future for others

I’ve packed up  Howard Jones, Steve Winwood, Nanci Griffith, and Clint Black in the coffin of a cardboard box. And when the box arrives in Washington state, it will be opened and then their guts will be yanked out.

Their insides will be respectfully and consciously disposed of but their version of external skin will be recycled into new products, which if the owner is fortunate, will symbolize a period of their life like the original packaging of the cassette tapes did for me.

Just so there’s no mistake, I’m not Mother Earth’s best friend. I’m a pretty typical fair weather American friend as far as my lifestyle and consumption use. If you’re an avid recycler and saw what I threw in the trash, you would unfriend me on Facebook.

This cardboard box is filled with cassette tapes of a Beatles anthology, the Best of ZZ Top and a dive into international music represented by Bollywood and Rueben Blades. It is  ready to be shipped to GreenDisk, which partners with other companies who hire people with disabilities to transform obsolete technology.

I have moved this box of music personalities for about 20 years. I stopped listening to them about 10 years ago. If I could have economically replaced my music library to the current technical formats, I would have. But as it is, I have different familial interests today and my personal economy is spent more on others than myself. My reluctance to donate them to the landfill or the Salvation Army has to do with my bittersweet attachment to a more youthful period of my life then it does with any guilt associated with packing the local landfill with “unnecessary plastic objects” (Nanci Griffith on her One Fair Summer Evening tape).

If I were crafty, I would transform my symbolic life into ties, purses or lampshades.  But if I had attempted the dissection, it would have ended up as a box full of pieces of magnetic tape and plastic cases. So, this is the compromise I can make and an acknowledgement that it is time to give generous room to what is in my life now.

So, with GreenDisk this is the most respectful burial I can find for Patsy Cline, Almighty Bach, and Abba. They will go to Sammamish, Wash., where this company will outsource my symbols of dear friends to other organizations which provides  innovative work for people with disabilities. For a day, or two, someone else will benefit from the days of my youth and if all goes well during the autopsy, enough will be salvaged to be transformed into a product that will give carefree enjoyment to another life.

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How to enjoy parenting challenges

untitled_cupid_2_sketch_2015Who can tell ahead of time what the experience of parenting will be like? Technology can let you know the gender of a baby, and sometimes it can diagnose a health issue in the womb. But technology can’t tell you this individual’s personality or forecast her or his future.

So parents and children are then thrown together into a relationship that unfolds day by day and is influenced by a number of factors. Some factors are in the home environment, and some factors are randomly and possibly senselessly thrust upon a family. It is my hope that every child’s home environment is a secure place for them, but this is not always the case.  If you suspect a child is being abused, I hope you will do the right thing and report it to the proper authorities in your area.

Barring any major abusive dysfunction of you as the parent, the life in a family is uniquely yours and your children’s. Suffice it to say, that regardless of whether or not your child or you have an identifiable health disability, you will encounter obstacles along the way in the form of

  • school,
  • work,
  • finances and
  • outside relationships.

Part of the human experience common to us all is to overcome challenges in whatever form they take. It depends on how you define things that will determine how you view it. The nervous system releases the same chemicals whether you are anxious or excited. But your perception of an event will determine whether you are excited or anxious.

So, it is the same with parenting and relationships. Something that might seem like a problem could actually be the solution to other things you have encountered both with your relationship with yourself and with other people.

The poem “Welcome to Holland” was written by Emily Perl Kingsley, a writer for Sesame Street. Her son, Jason Kingsley, was born with Down’s Syndrome. He is now a grown man  and has appeared in several movies. Kingsley’s experience as a parent with a child with a known disability inspired her to advocate for families whose children had disabilities. She influenced Sesame Street to have the Muppets represent the range of human experiences people have. In March of last year, Sesame Street introduced us to Julia, the first Muppet with autism.

Kingsley also took her writing gift and used it to educate and inspire thousands of people. Her poem “Welcome to Holland” has been adapted for many different experiences, parenting and otherwise. Regardless of whether you are a parent or you are someone who doesn’t have children, you have likely experienced an unexpected change in your plans you’ve needed to work through.

So, welcome to Holland or Iowa or Texas or Montana or wherever you find yourself that you didn’t plan on being. Here’s to “blooming where you’re planted.”

Welcome to Holland

BY EMILY PERL KINGSLEY

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability – to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this…

When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.” “Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”

But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you never would have met. It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…and you begin to notice Holland has windmills…and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy…and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say, “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away…because the loss of that dream is a very, very significant loss.

But…if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to go to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things…about Holland.

***

©1987 BY EMILY PERL KINGSLEY.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

My Special Needs Child

mom kissing daughter

Coming soon! An E-Book for Caregivers with Special Needs Children

Learn to ADVOCATE, PARENT, AND BUILD STRENGTH in raising your child with special needs

Find your peace of mind as you learn what supports you need in place to guarantee a life of emotional, financial, and physical security for  you and your child

Do you worry about:

·      What will happen to my child and will he or she be happy?

·      Who will help me with my child and how do I get my friends to understand the stress I’m under?

·      How do I get over the loss of the dreams I had for a family?

·      How can I tell if my child is acting out because of his disability or because he’s being a kid?

·      How will I support myself when I have to support my child?

·      What if my spouse leaves me because of the pressure?

·      What school should my child attend and do I have any recourse if my child’s school treats him or her inappropriately?

·      What will happen to my child after I die?

 

You’re not alone. Nearly one-fifth of American families have a member with a disability, either physical, sensory, or intellectual (according to the National Organization on Disability). And many people with disabilities or special needs are outliving their primary caregivers (their parents) because of advancements in medical technology and treatment.

My Training and Credentials

At this juncture, you may be wondering who I am. Beyond having been a journalist, a researcher and a licensed professional counselor, I am also a mother to two children who have had special concerns at various times in their lives.

My youngest son was born with a disability. My older son developed a temporary disability later in his life, which he has overcome. Each of the experiences came with its unique set of challenges and opportunities.

When I first heard the diagnosis for my youngest son, I sat on my bed, called a friend and sobbed to her “I just want my son to be okay.” My friend tried to comfort me as best as she could, but she couldn’t truthfully tell me if my son would be okay. No one could. As his diagnosis began to unfold, I found myself struggling to find help. We lived in a remote New Mexico community and autism resources were only beginning to be offered there.

Consequently, I had many sleepless nights of constant worry, fear, and grief of what the future could hold for my beloved son.  Also, I had to completely reorder my life emotionally, spiritually, financially, socially, and professionally because of his special needs and the lack of resources available.

One of my biggest fears, initially, was the fear of the unknown. I had never had an experience as a mother of a child with a disability so I had no idea of what to expect. So, what did I do? I did like any mother who wants what’s best for her child:

  • I scoured the Internet,
  • Made hundreds of phone calls,
  • Took countless trips to professionals, and
  • At the end of the day collapsed exhausted and still scared.

No doubt about it, it can be a lonely and stressful experience as a caregiver and our ability to access an in-person support group can be challenging, and in some regions of the United States, nearly impossible.

But you’re not alone. My E-Book, “My Special Needs Child: The Complete Guide to Advocating, Parenting, and Building Strength” will help you address your worries and connect you with the vital resources you need for you to have peace of mind as a parent.

  • You’ll learn the subtle shift in thinking that will empower you and your child. It took me nearly a decade to understand and articulate this idea, and I’ll share this with you in my E-Book.
  • You will gain insight into how to be a parent and not only a caregiver.
  • You will read stories from people who have been where you are now and the successes they have achieved and that you can achieve, too.
  • You will learn how to overcome your reticence in speaking up for your child and yourself. This book will help you trust your intuition when opinions differ with professionals.
  • You will learn effective advocacy skills to help you and your child meet your needs to ensure the best outcome. You will learn the critical skills to advocate at the local level all the way to the federal level.
  • If you are worried about having enough money or how your career will be affected by your caregiving role, this E-Book will share about financial tools you can leverage for economic peace of mind.

Life can have many sudden twists and turns. Whether through an accident or the aging process, at some point every human being will experience either a temporary disability or a disability that becomes permanent. You will gain understanding how disability affects a person in different ways across the lifespan.

It’s not always easy to raise a child with disabilities. There is even a time of grieving as a diagnosis comes to light. But it can be a fulfilling and a profoundly positive life-changing experience in a way you never would have planned for yourself. In this E-Book you will learn how to transform what looks like a loss into a positive experience which will ripple throughout all your relationships.

If you are worried or struggling with knowing what to do or who to turn to for help for your child with a disability, then this e-book is for you. You will save countless hours of worry and research. You will find your way through the maze of programs, professionals’ opinions, and life’s challenges. You will find new meaning and purpose in life and release your fear and anxiety.

Please fill out my contact form below to let me know of your interest in this e-book. I am here to help.

© 2018 Brenda Henning